Modern relationships: When attraction met social evolution

Attraction is often based on differences. We are attracted to the unfamiliar, the novel, the qualities that feel new and exciting. This is why the idea that ‘opposites attract’ holds popular belief. However, over time, the very differences that once fascinated us can become sources of friction. This paradox is central to many relationship challenges.

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Jeevansathi’s Modern Matchmaking Report 2025 revealed shifting priorities in choosing a partner, with men valuing love and romance (47%) and women prioritizing compatibility (39%). This reflects evolving relationship priorities, with emotional connection and shared value systems playing a crucial role in deciding who you spend your life with.

Other factors include evolving gender roles and expectations, the growing importance of emotional fulfilment, and a desire for deeper meaningful connections that go beyond superficial attraction. As society evolves further, these preferences indicate a move towards relationships that are not just based on love and romance, but on mutual respect, understanding and a strong foundation for life-long happiness.

I have witnessed how value alignment impacts relationships. I once worked with a couple who had entered marriage through an arranged set-up. On paper, they seemed like a perfect match, sharing similar cultural backgrounds. However, deep-rooted differences in their value systems led to recurring conflicts. The husband preferred luxury spending, while the wife valued experiences over material purchases. Despite their physical attraction, they struggled to reconcile these differences and their relationship could not be sustained.

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Tinder, an online dating and geo-social networking app, corroborates this in its Year in Swipe 2025 report, which reveals that singles prioritize shared values (31%), emotional availability (30%), and shared interests (28%) in seeking a partner. Conversely, another couple I worked with struggled with intimacy but were deeply aligned in their worldview—from gender roles and household chores to treatment of staff. Despite their initial struggles, they worked on reconnecting emotionally and physically through shared activities and mutual understanding. With time, their relationship strengthened.

Psychologists Boyd and Boyd proposed a model for healthy relationships based on four pillars: Compatibility, Caring, Closeness, and Communication. Each plays a crucial role in determining the longevity and success of a partnership.

John Gottman, a renowned couple’s therapist, identified four negative communication patterns that can erode relationships over time. Gottman’s ‘Four Horsemen’ include Criticism, where complaints target a partner’s character instead of actions (“You always forget”); Contempt, which involves sarcasm, mockery or belittling remarks that create emotional distance (“Oh great, you forgot again. What a surprise”); Defensiveness, where a person responds to criticism with excuses or counter-attacks instead of addressing concerns (“It’s not my fault! You’re too demanding”); and Stonewalling, where one shuts down emotionally to avoid confrontation or punish a partner. These behaviours are often seen in how couples argue, as I’ve seen among clients.

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Modern relationships are challenging traditional gender roles and taking greater control of romantic lives. This shift in relationship dynamics aligns with broader trends. Bumble’s 2025 Global Dating Trends reveals that the level of tolerance has shifted. Among women in India, just about 70% say they are being more honest with themselves and are no longer making compromises.

Relationships thrive when partners identify and respect each other’s non-negotiables. Cinema has long romanticized co-dependency, but healthy relationships are built on interdependence. Both individuals must have separate identities—friendships, careers and interests—while still nurturing their partnership. Here are some tips.

Curiosity over judgement: Differences can trigger discomfort. Instead of resisting them, couples should explore why they feel challenged by their partner’s views or habits.

Conscious communication: Many conflicts stem from assumptions rather than facts. Asking open-ended questions can help clarify misunderstandings.

Therapy as a neutral ground: Seeking professional help isn’t an admission of failure; rather, it’s a proactive step towards understanding and growth.

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As relationship therapist Esther Perel noted, modern relationships exist in a minefield of shifting expectations. Yet, even in the face of financial struggles or basic disagreements, couples who truly commit to working through challenges often find a way forward. Love isn’t always about erasing differences—it’s about learning to embrace and accept these facets of one’s partner.

The author is a therapist and chief operating officer, Anna Chandy & Associates.